Another Bloody Entry

Something is bothering me. In fact that is basically an everyday thing to me. I just couldn't figure it out. So far I gotta say that I live in a horrible world. Why? Because unwanted drama revolves around me and it is eating me out from the inside out. I have basically no one to turn to because only God knows what I've been going through and as a matter of  fact, only God knows all the things that is bothering me that even I myself don't quite know what it is, or maybe I'm just being too ignorant to know about what is really bothering me.

So Elsie is finally in Sandakan and pursuing her next level in education world and I have to admit that I miss her so much. Despite all her annoyance and her fierceness. I got lonelier ever since she left. There's no one left at home to spend time with. Parents are busy with their own stuff and eldest sister has her boyfriend to take care of. So basically now, is just me myself and I. I feel so pathetic at the moment.

In the next one month plus, I'm going to sit for my first semester test aka STPM. As you all know, the system this year has changed and it is not like the STPM before. Am I prepared? To be honest, no. I don't know what happened to me but every time I want to start doing my revision, somehow everything is a distraction to me. Even if I put my phone away from me, out of my sight, my mind will start to be the great devil to distract me with thoughts. Thoughts that I don't wanna think and wish to delete it. How can one focus on their book for hours? Why can't I?

I need to learn to be discipline. Yes I know. Every one in the family has been pushing me, or nagging me about it. But I just can't seem to digest their words and that is when I came to realise that I can't accept people yelling at me all the time. The more you yell or nag, the more I got annoyed and the more lazier I get and the more I don;t wanna care and the more I wanna do the opposite way. You get what I mean? What hurts the most is when u expect your very own family to be there or at least try to listen to what is bothering you ignores you and scolding you instead? And that is when one can be depressed or keep everything to themselves because you shut them out first.

I always wanna be there for someone else, but no one would do the same for me. Once you've disappoint me, I'm sorry, everything you do will only repels me from you. Because it won't feel the same anymore. I can't believe that I actually have to blog this out and this shows that only through blog I can express it out. Sometimes I don't know why I just can't say no to people and sometimes why can't I be mean?

I guess I'm letting go of everything. I don't want anything anymore. No, this is not suicidal entry. I love myself and I won't do such things to harm myself. :)

Being ignorant is what I practice now?